Cancer Survivor Credits Lack of Faith in Higher Power

Los Angeles, CA - When Dan Robbins, 32, was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia in the Fall of 2007, he knew he had an uphill battle ahead.  Because the cancer was detected late, doctors gave Robbins, a systems analyst, a bleak prognosis.  The doctors said they would do what they could using a combination of chemotherapies and radiation treatment. But, said Robbins, “They also counseled that these regimens would be painful and draining, and that I should seek out solace wherever I could.  When I heard that, I thought ‘Thank goodness that the random chaos of the Universe has given me the knowledge that there’s no significance to the fact that I’m going to die a painful, drawn-out death.”

During the course of his treatment, Robbins' pain became so unbearable that he considered stopping treatment, and living out his last few weeks in a palliative care facility.  But in those times of trouble, Robbins found his lack of belief in an afterlife to support him like a rock.  “Just knowing that when I die, my body will decompose the same way as a worm, my dog, or my reams of research papers, made me able to face each day, each fight, with renewed vigor.”

Friends and family marveled at Robbins’ sanguine and steadfast determination. “It was like he just knew, “said fellow systems analyst Ross Lee, “that there was no point in believing in anything but the science behind his treatment program. His resolve was just amazing.” Robbins credits this solidarity to his unflappable knowledge that he is just a random collection of molecules, which, like everything else in the universe, has a finite life-span.  “When I was tempted to feel sorry for myself, I took great solace in the fact that I am not inherently special in any way, shape or form. Basking in the glow of that knowledge got me through innumerable, sleepless nights.”

Robbins’ doctors also couldn’t help but notice.  “Oftentimes during treatment," said Dr. Rick Madison, an oncologist at Cedar Sinai Hospital, “patients will give up, and find that the science they were so enveloped in as a child and throughout their lives has become meaningless.” Dr. Madison cited numerous examples in which patients would try to will themselves towards health, using everything from prayer circles to meditation.  But Robbins was different. “Even when clergy would visit his hospital room, and talk about how he was being ‘tested,’ and ‘could find comfort in surrender,’ Dan soldiered on, a bulwark of disbelief.”

Lounging outside of his home in suburban Los Angeles, with his body completely free of any signs of cancer, Robbins wonders if he would be here today without his atheism. “Every day, I see so many people shun the warmth of enlightenment, turning instead to crude re-translations of political and cultural treatises written thousands of years ago. I look at what my unflappable belief in visible cause-and-effect did for me, and I feel sorry for those people, those poor lost souls…no pun intended.”

Genius Bar Bartender Whips Up Specialty IT Fixes

New York, NY - Apple Store employee Eric Mandel, a regular Genius Bar staffer, has begun to make a name for himself as a trailblazer in the field of "Flair" or "Show" Genius Bartending. Said Mandel, "While most Genius Bartenders are fine just fixing the problems they're asked to fix, I'm into pushing the limits, giving my patrons something that will keep them coming back."

On a recent visit, Macbook Pro owner Kendra Williams came in to inquire about her slow internet connection. Ms. Williams was shocked, and mesmerized, as Eric juggled 3 USB thumb drives, inserting each at various times as he simultaneously tapped away at the keyboard. When Mandel slid the notebook back across the bar, Williams was delighted to find that not only was her internet connection blazing fast, but her desktop wallpaper had been replaced with a rotating stream of pictures of kittens. "I don't know how he knew kittens were my favorite," gushed Ms. Williams, "but this is the kind of service you can only get at a Genius Bar like this."

Mandel knows the value of customer loyalty. "In this economic environment, if you want to stay viable, you need to not just meet, but constantly exceed expectations. A customer may only ask for their System Permissions to be reset, but if you come back with their Permissions restored AND a few jazzy Quicksilver keyboard shortcuts, you've got a customer for life."

While Mr. Mandel brands himself a maverick in this nascent field, he does have detractors. As of press time, authorities were still investigating a web cam fixed by Mandel, that allegedly now auto-stream to his home computer, as well.

Starbucks Regular Pledges to Ask Out Barista

St. Louis, MO - At approximately 12:46 am, Starbucks regular Jason Moore pledged, from atop a table at O'Hanley's Pub, to ask out Starbucks barista Emily Woodward. A regular coffee drinker since 2004, Moore has recently found the chemistry he shares with Ms. Woodward to be both "palpable," and "like, intense." Mr. Moore went on to lay out a litany of facts supporting his assertion, such as Ms. Woodward's "consistent perkiness when taking his order," and blatant come-ons in the form of "throwing in an extra biscotti cookie every so often." Regarding Mr. Moore's attraction to the barista, he primarily cites "her really cute tongue ring," as well as a "strategically placed tattoo on the small of her back." As of press time, Moore's has postponed his pledge to mitigating factors such as "too much noise" and "just not the right moment."

Ousted Leader Brett Favre Denied Re-entry into Territory of Packers Clan

GREEN BAY, WI - A tense stand-off between the indigenous "Packers" Clan that calls Green Bay home, and the "Vikings," a neighboring clan, broke out Sunday afternoon as the invading clan made numerous attempts to invade the territory of the indigenous clan. Even before Sunday's skirmish broke out, the town of Green Bay had been reeling after former leader Brett Favre (pronounced farv) announced in 2008 that he would be stepping down as chief of the "Packers" tribe, which he had led for over 15 years. Favre cited personal reasons, but later revealed that the "Front Office of Green Bay," a largely oligarchic and hereditary body, had pressured him to step down.

After taking asylum with a small tribe in the State of New Jersey (which goes by the misnomer "New York" Jets), Favre shockingly accepted the role of chieftain with the Packers' rival clan, the Vikings, of neighboring province Minnesota. Political analysts and global security analysts immediately warned of the inevitable clashes the move would cause. UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon warned, "As both factions reside in such close geographic proximity, and compete over the same resources, namely the Victor of the NFC North, conflict and bloodshed seem almost inevitable." [Update: This article mistakenly refers to Green Bay as "Honduras."] American President Barack Obama also refused to align his administration with either faction, but did not help matters by making an appearance dressed in the attire of the neighboring "Bears" clan, which has been engaged in sustained conflict with both the Packers and Vikings clans.

Sunday, in a move that surprised none, each clan brought out its "Starting Lineup," a group consisting of each faction's fastest, biggest, and most overpaid warriors.

Early reports indicate that as many as 12 members of each clan engaged in repeated skirmishes on the battlefield. In the initial campaign, the Vikings militia briefly encroached into the territory of the Packers, but were immediately pushed back. A council of overseers, known as a Referees Conference, was quickly convened. Due to technicalities of an antediluvian rule of warfare known as "The Maxim of Forward Progress," the Vikings clan was entitled to resume the campaign from within "Packers' Territory." In a humiliating turn of events, the Vikings clan executed a number of duplicitous, guerilla tactics, including the dreaded "Play Action Stratagem." The tactics culminated in a member of the Vikings Clan being able to "touch down" on the sacred "End Zone of the Packers," which the Packers' elite guard had been sworn to protect.

When reached for comment, the White House stated that while it was deeply troubled by the regional conflict, it was concentrating its resources on the prolonged war in the east, between the neighboring Phillies Clan and the long-dominant Yankees Clan. Troublingly, the two clans were engaged in their fourth battle in just five days, with each clan proclaiming that the series of battles would have World-wide implications.